Tucker Carlson: Special Branch

The Maxwell Smart of Fox News.

Photo of Tucker Carlson courtesy of Getty Images.

Last night I went to sleep trying to imagine sex with Tucker Carlson. It should not come as a shock to report that it didn’t get me where I wanted to go.

Please note that my hands were folded neatly across my chest, as if I were in a coffin. My meanderings were purely an investigative exercise. He would not be the first man to be…