If an existential void is a month, it is August.
I notice I am holding my breath. I don’t understand why I feel so jammed up, until I realize that all the Augusts are converging on me at once. I am having a hard time separating current events from memory.
Last night I went to sleep trying to imagine sex with Tucker Carlson. It should not come as a shock to report that it didn’t get me where I wanted to go.
Please note that my hands were folded neatly across my chest, as if I were in a coffin…
Yes. I’ve lost weight. I know I’ve lost weight. My pants are loose. Again.
Yes. I am in public. You haven’t seen me in a while. You, too, notice I have lost weight.
No. Don’t do it.
Do shut up about it.
Do not make a party. Do not approach…
I might be a witness to our extinction. It seems important to mark the day I realize that.
It’s embarrassing to admit global warming snuck up on me. I know better. But like many Americans luxuriating in the drivel of our everyday lives, I pay scant attention to what’s happening.
My husband and I are walking down a street in Yonkers, New York, where we live. We see a huge pickup truck that is parked with its nose facing the sidewalk.
Inside, there is a hand-written note visible through the windshield:
Keep walking, because I’ve got a video camera on…
“The world goes ‘round and ‘round, but some things never change…” Britney Spears Pepsi commercial, 2001.
“You wanna boss daddy? Wanna legal baddy?
Want no control of body? Wanna lose faith in Goddy?
Wanna get real maddy? Wanna be real saddy?
What she got for her work, bitch…” Me, in…
Before I delve into the pure joy I felt while watching Storm Large perform on America’s Got Talent, allow me tell you a few things about women in their fifties.
I speak with authority. I am one.
First of all: I was eight years old before a woman could obtain…
Every single time Ann Marie greeted me, it was with an exclamation point.
“LIZ!” she’d begin. “LIZ! We gotta talk!” “LIZ! Wait till you hear this!” “LIZ! I have something to tell you, honey.”
I have never had a friend quite as different as myself.
I am a tenth-generation American…
Editor’s note: This cognitive test was designed specifically for American politicians. It is pass-fail.
1. I am a United States Senator, and my state is experiencing severe winter weather. Our super special power grid that doesn’t have the Fed breathing down our neck with bogus regulations fails. My house is…